CALVERTON’S GHOSTS will not be coming out on All Hallows’ Eve tonight, confirm mediums.
The village’s local spirits have decided to continue ongoing industrial action following an extraordinary general meeting of the Apparitions, Ghosts and Ghouls Hub (AGGH!) at the function room of the Admiral Wendy last night.
‘We’re still furious that we weren’t paid to appear on the TV show Help! My House Is Haunted when it filmed in Calverton back in July,’ said a pair of disembodied legs wearing riding trousers, acting AGGH! Secretary.
‘Austerity’s put at least a quid on the cost of a litre of ectoplasm and there’s been a huge rise in the cost of unliving. So to not pay us at least Equity minimum to take part in that telly programme was bang out of order.’
‘To be fair, even if we did come out to play on Hallowe’en we’re really not that scary now,’ wailed the notorious White Lady on a recent trip to the Bandook.
‘The costumes you get in Asda are so much better than what real ghosts walk around in. We can’t compete. I was haunting up at the Geordie last year. Some kid in a Freddy Krueger outfit jumped out. If I’d still been alive with working bodily functions I’d have proper pooed my knickers.
‘Hallowe’en isn’t what it used to be. It’s just kids extorting sweets out of strangers, rather than their parents for a change.
‘That’s Calvo.’
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